Having largely ignored basketball this season, save for a few moments of rage inspired by Ole Miss, and the SEC Tournament getting underway tomorrow, I decree the hour of basketball discussion to be at hand. So for those of you curious as to how things should play out in Nashville or perhaps you approach life with a Bodhi-like attitude and gamble on college basketball, this is for you. Starting with the favorite and moving down the food chain, you'll get each team's chance of winning the tournament.
Kentucky
Odds of winning: The same as Rich Brooks creating new strings of profanity to admonish a player who fails to execute properly (if he were still coaching).
Despite two slip-ups on the road, Kentucky proved to be on a different level than everyone else. They have the guards and size to play any type of game. Slow them down and they'll pound the hell out of you with DeMarcus Cousins, Patrick Patterson and the assortment of other 6'10" guys. Speed them up and they'll still pound the hell out of you, but now the guards will become involved. Even John Calipari can't get in the way of this team (at least in this tournament).
Tennessee
Odds of winning: The same as a Colquitt not punting for the football team.
Those are solid odds, not great (surely there's an end to the Colquitt punting dynasty, right?). Just like this basketball team, solid, but not great. With their athleticism and a sweaty Bruce Pearl, this is the only team that has a consistent shot to beat Kentucky. All of this is assuming that 1/3 of the team will not be arrested before the first game.
Vanderbilt
Odds of winning: The same as Woody Widenhofer returning to coach with Bobby Johnson.
Most likely not gonna happen, but there's a chance. Vanderbilt hates spending money on sports, no one with a career is going to go coach there and I'm sure Widenhofer is ready and willing (even though he's currently the head coach of something called the Alabama Blackbirds of the United National Gridiron League). All that has to be overcome is Widenhofer's age (70) and the small idea that the game has passed him by. Oh, and that he already stunk at Vanderbilt (15-37). So good luck, Kevin Stallings. You shall require it.
Florida
Odds of winning: The same as Urban Meyer not bailing a player out of jail this summer.
I suppose if Meyer really is taking time off he won't be the one coordinating with a bail bondsman, but we all know he's not going to give up that special privilege. It's a chance to scare a player into become faster so that one, he'll help Meyer claim the fastest team in America, and two, he won't get caught by the slow-footed police again.
Mississippi State
Odds of winning: The same as Dan Mullen bringing Jackie Sherrill around his football team again.
If you recall, Mullen allowed Sherrill to visit practice last April, which was fine as long as Jackie Wayne didn't take part in any coaching. And of course Sherrill immediately began committing NCAA rules violations by coaching punters for a brief period. Another lapse in Mullen's judgment would be the same as Dee Bost averaging 35 points a game this weekend.
Ole Miss
Odds of winning: The same as Houston Nutt not speaking in short. Quick. Brief. Awesome. Sentences. And using more than one compound sentence in a day.
I've never seen a football coach who relies on nothing but cliches be so entertaining when he speaks. He literally says nothing but I find all of it fascinating. Perhaps it's the twinkle in his eye or the flash of a shit-eating grin that occasionally slips out, whatever it is HE HAD ME AT HELLO.
Arkansas
Odds of winning: The same as Ryan Mallett adding agility and quickness to his quarterbacking package.
In other words, Courtney Fortson would need to throw up a 28-7-10 for four days in Nashville.
South Carolina
Odds of winning: The same as Steve Spurrier not being disappointed in everyone around him.
Steve Spurrier and Devan Downey have at least two things in common (possibly three if Downey enjoys golf): One, they give their team the best chance of winning. And two, they give their team the greatest chance of losing. If Downey is off, the Gamecocks don't have a chance because he's going to keep shooting and missing. If he's on, they turn into 1990s Spurrier when anything was possible.
Alabama
Odds of winning: The same as more than 200 Alabama fans attending the SEC Tournament.
I'm not sure more than 20% of Alabama fans even know they have a basketball team.
Auburn
Odds of winning: The same as a successful NFL career for Chris Todd.
If the league begins cracking down on all steroid/PED/goat testosterone/whatever and we're left with nothing but slower, mediocre players, I like Todd's chances.
Georgia
Odds of winning: The same as a successful NFL career for Joe Cox.
If the league begins cracking down on non-ginger players, I like Cox's chances.
LSU
Odds of winning: The same as a cordial, hygienic, fully-toothed, non-gumbo-swilling LSU fan inviting you to drink and break bread in their tent without running your team into the ground accompanied by a slew of profanities.
I do not like Trent Johnson's chances this year.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend
So many things happened that it's almost impossible to adequately discuss them in a non-lengthy manner.
If there was an award for "Worst Weekend of 2010," March 5-7 would be our clubhouse leader right now. By at least eight strokes. Sure there were a plethora of college basketball games to consume, but most of them really didn't mean anything in terms of conference standings and just a handful featured teams trying to find a way to stay alive in the NCAA Tournament picture. One of those, and the one that I cared about, involved Ole Miss and its unbelievable ability to suck me back into hoping. The Rebels trailed Arkansas for just over 39 minutes before Chris Warren hit a three to give them the lead for good. To Chris Warren (scored 31 points) I say thank you, good sir, for giving a crap on Saturday and keeping the NCAA pulse from flatlining. To the Ole Miss team as a whole I say, STOP DOING THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR. JUST ONCE CAN WE SECURE AN NCAA BIRTH BEFORE THE LAST WEEK OF THE SEASON.
And kudos to fellow bubble teams Florida and Mississippi State for their losses. Florida battled Kentucky before eventually falling short while the Bulldogs elected not to show up at all against Tennessee (trailing at one point 17-0). Both of you added even more fuel to my hope that Ole Miss can make the Tournament, and at the same time increased the degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth that will occur when the Rebels lose to Tennessee in a brutal fashion in the SEC Tournament on Friday. So at this time I'd like to thank both of you and tell to go to hell.
The Academy Awards show grinds America to a halt.
There's nothing like pretentiousness oozing out of your television, especially when it's generated by a massive collection of high school drop-outs and those who have no education past high school. Now, of course I appreciate the talent possessed by many of these most important people of our time because I DEMAND ENTERTAINMENT AT ALL TIMES, but watching them socially interact, zombie-stare into a camera while attempting to read a teleprompter, laugh at jokes they don't get and pretend they aren't outraged when they don't win is almost impossible to do. If they aren't performing their craft (a great pretentious word), they cannot be watched. It's like watching a three hour interview with athletes. Except 98% of the people are white and have nothing interesting to say.
Taco Bell gives America another fine fast food option.
Behold, the Pacific Shrimp taco:
After some research (consisting of four seconds of using Google), I found that Taco Bell actually introduced this beauty last fall, but I just saw the first commercial for it last night, making it brand-new to me. Do I want one? You know it. Will I immediately regret that decision? Absolutely. But the allure of DELICIOUSNESS OFFSETS THE ACCOMPANYING FLAMING HOT DIARRHEA. It might even punch a hole in my colon but I don't care. I love Taco Bell and will sacrifice my body for the enjoyment of it. So there, now you know just how disgusting I am. I acknowledge that you're silently judging me right now, but in the good name of Pacific Shrimp tacos I will forgive you.
Allen Iverson continues to ke....
This post has been prematurely ended for a special trip to Taco Bell. After a possible brief stay in a local hospital, activities will resume.
If there was an award for "Worst Weekend of 2010," March 5-7 would be our clubhouse leader right now. By at least eight strokes. Sure there were a plethora of college basketball games to consume, but most of them really didn't mean anything in terms of conference standings and just a handful featured teams trying to find a way to stay alive in the NCAA Tournament picture. One of those, and the one that I cared about, involved Ole Miss and its unbelievable ability to suck me back into hoping. The Rebels trailed Arkansas for just over 39 minutes before Chris Warren hit a three to give them the lead for good. To Chris Warren (scored 31 points) I say thank you, good sir, for giving a crap on Saturday and keeping the NCAA pulse from flatlining. To the Ole Miss team as a whole I say, STOP DOING THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR. JUST ONCE CAN WE SECURE AN NCAA BIRTH BEFORE THE LAST WEEK OF THE SEASON.
And kudos to fellow bubble teams Florida and Mississippi State for their losses. Florida battled Kentucky before eventually falling short while the Bulldogs elected not to show up at all against Tennessee (trailing at one point 17-0). Both of you added even more fuel to my hope that Ole Miss can make the Tournament, and at the same time increased the degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth that will occur when the Rebels lose to Tennessee in a brutal fashion in the SEC Tournament on Friday. So at this time I'd like to thank both of you and tell to go to hell.
The Academy Awards show grinds America to a halt.
There's nothing like pretentiousness oozing out of your television, especially when it's generated by a massive collection of high school drop-outs and those who have no education past high school. Now, of course I appreciate the talent possessed by many of these most important people of our time because I DEMAND ENTERTAINMENT AT ALL TIMES, but watching them socially interact, zombie-stare into a camera while attempting to read a teleprompter, laugh at jokes they don't get and pretend they aren't outraged when they don't win is almost impossible to do. If they aren't performing their craft (a great pretentious word), they cannot be watched. It's like watching a three hour interview with athletes. Except 98% of the people are white and have nothing interesting to say.
Taco Bell gives America another fine fast food option.
Behold, the Pacific Shrimp taco:
After some research (consisting of four seconds of using Google), I found that Taco Bell actually introduced this beauty last fall, but I just saw the first commercial for it last night, making it brand-new to me. Do I want one? You know it. Will I immediately regret that decision? Absolutely. But the allure of DELICIOUSNESS OFFSETS THE ACCOMPANYING FLAMING HOT DIARRHEA. It might even punch a hole in my colon but I don't care. I love Taco Bell and will sacrifice my body for the enjoyment of it. So there, now you know just how disgusting I am. I acknowledge that you're silently judging me right now, but in the good name of Pacific Shrimp tacos I will forgive you.
Allen Iverson continues to ke....
This post has been prematurely ended for a special trip to Taco Bell. After a possible brief stay in a local hospital, activities will resume.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Coach's Diary: Urban Meyer Edition
It's a little known fact that most coaches in every sport in every level of competition keep a diary. Here, they have a place where they can turn and reveal their innermost thoughts and reactions to both the smart and incredibly stupid things they do during the course of their job (We know they don't turn to their wives because she doesn't understand the complexities of sport, but a blank piece of paper sure does.). And, thanks to my stealthy skills in the field of breaking and entering, you, the reader, now have access to these innermost thoughts penned by some of the finest and not-so-finest minds in the world of sport.
3/1/10
9:25 PM
Dear Diary,
What a relaxing, fun-filled day today was. I slept in until 4:30, limited myself to four cups of coffee with only two shots of Five-Hour Energy added and stopped my offensive scheming at 20 new plays. I would have kept going but I ran out of protein goo packets. I prefer cinnamon, but all we had in the house was strawberry. Actually, I hate the damn things. But the doctor and the wife are on my case about diet changes. Oh, how I miss the Denny's delivery to the office. I wonder if I can get my GA's and student managers to sneak me some here at the house? At the very least I should make them run, then I could build them up and tell the college football world that we have the fastest and sneakiest GA's and managers in America. Because that's what we do at Florida. We do it all fast. And very sneaky.
Speaking of fast, that Joe Haden. We clocked him 4.33 in the 40 here. It was like watching Lane Kiffin's time in the SEC. You blinked and it was over. But now Joe is taking some heat (and our staff is getting it too) for his disappointing time at the combine. Those fools in the NFL said he only ran it in 4.57 and 4.60. I call bullshit. They should have asked us to use our stopwatches, as they are the most accurate in the country. We do nothing but first class at Florida. Found some scientist in Switzerland who claimed he built the world's most accurate stopwatch. Took a trip over and bought a dozen. Hell, if they had seen Joe's real time, there would have been a riot. He actually ran it in 3.79, but we bumped him down to make it seem more legitimate. And if they knew what Chris Rainey did, we'd lose all credibility (2.17 if you're interested).
The gall of someone questioning my word. Do they know who I am? I RUN GAINESVILLE. I AM URBAN MEYER. MY WORD IS THE LAW. Even I can run a 4.85 40. Just for all of this trouble I swear to you my first team is going to be the fastest in the country, my second team right behind them and even my third team will be ahead of every other team in the country. And taking a break? To hell with that. I'm going to grind everyone into a fine paste. A BLUE AND ORANGE FIRESTORM OF DESTRUCTION WILL CONSUME EVERYONE IN 2010.
Well, I'm down to my last pen after snapping the other seven writing the last paragraph. Plus the wife says she has some herbal tea she wants me to drink. Supposed to be the best, which is all I accept, so it's probably time to wrap this thing up. And I need to call Tim to see if there's anything he needs before I go to bed. What a great kid. If only I could trade my kids.......whatever their names are for him. I hope John Brantley is ready to be my buddy. Until next time.
P.S. Tell Addazio of plan to make GA's and managers the fastest in America.
P.S.S. Set aside 25 minutes tomorrow for practicing icy stare in the mirror.
3/1/10
9:25 PM
Dear Diary,
What a relaxing, fun-filled day today was. I slept in until 4:30, limited myself to four cups of coffee with only two shots of Five-Hour Energy added and stopped my offensive scheming at 20 new plays. I would have kept going but I ran out of protein goo packets. I prefer cinnamon, but all we had in the house was strawberry. Actually, I hate the damn things. But the doctor and the wife are on my case about diet changes. Oh, how I miss the Denny's delivery to the office. I wonder if I can get my GA's and student managers to sneak me some here at the house? At the very least I should make them run, then I could build them up and tell the college football world that we have the fastest and sneakiest GA's and managers in America. Because that's what we do at Florida. We do it all fast. And very sneaky.
Speaking of fast, that Joe Haden. We clocked him 4.33 in the 40 here. It was like watching Lane Kiffin's time in the SEC. You blinked and it was over. But now Joe is taking some heat (and our staff is getting it too) for his disappointing time at the combine. Those fools in the NFL said he only ran it in 4.57 and 4.60. I call bullshit. They should have asked us to use our stopwatches, as they are the most accurate in the country. We do nothing but first class at Florida. Found some scientist in Switzerland who claimed he built the world's most accurate stopwatch. Took a trip over and bought a dozen. Hell, if they had seen Joe's real time, there would have been a riot. He actually ran it in 3.79, but we bumped him down to make it seem more legitimate. And if they knew what Chris Rainey did, we'd lose all credibility (2.17 if you're interested).
The gall of someone questioning my word. Do they know who I am? I RUN GAINESVILLE. I AM URBAN MEYER. MY WORD IS THE LAW. Even I can run a 4.85 40. Just for all of this trouble I swear to you my first team is going to be the fastest in the country, my second team right behind them and even my third team will be ahead of every other team in the country. And taking a break? To hell with that. I'm going to grind everyone into a fine paste. A BLUE AND ORANGE FIRESTORM OF DESTRUCTION WILL CONSUME EVERYONE IN 2010.
Well, I'm down to my last pen after snapping the other seven writing the last paragraph. Plus the wife says she has some herbal tea she wants me to drink. Supposed to be the best, which is all I accept, so it's probably time to wrap this thing up. And I need to call Tim to see if there's anything he needs before I go to bed. What a great kid. If only I could trade my kids.......whatever their names are for him. I hope John Brantley is ready to be my buddy. Until next time.
P.S. Tell Addazio of plan to make GA's and managers the fastest in America.
P.S.S. Set aside 25 minutes tomorrow for practicing icy stare in the mirror.
Monday, March 01, 2010
What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend
United States hockey team sends Canada into anarchy and a rage that makes them pronounce "about" correctly.
Well, there probably was a smattering anarchy throughout the country after Canada won Sunday's gold medal game in overtime. I mean, we all know about those crazy bastards in Prince Edward Island. You just know mayhem ruled the evening there. Luckily, here in America, the only incidents that occurred were a few emotional bruises after the Team USA bandwagon jackknifed just before the finish line. I count myself as one of those slightly injured as there's nothing like international competition in a watchable sport to get me on the bandwagon. After all, who doesn't enjoy a Friday afternoon in which it's socially acceptable to hate Finland (Note: It's always acceptable to hate France.)?
Former Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead continues his 2009 stinkbomb at the NFL combine.
With no pass rush and no defenses to read, Snead managed to bump up the value of his draft stock. According to a few reports I read, he displayed solid footwork and nice accuracy throwing the deep ball, which, if you follow Ole Miss, has to be a misprint. A Jevan Snead overthrow of a wide open receiver forty yards down the field was about as sure death, taxes, DeAundre Cranston fouling out of a basketball game and Lane Kiffin smiling at himself in the mirror repeatedly.
Dexter McCluster's speed unleashes shock and awe among NFL people.
While he fell just short of the 3.85 seconds I had in the pool (actually ran a 4.58), he did manage impress scouts and the like with his time in the 20-yard shuttle, which is usually an indicator of quickness. I also find these to be pretty good indicators of quickness, since real players are involved and not fluorescent cones:
Michael Jordan buys Bobcats, will remain casually involved.
He really did become a majority owner of the Bobcats (which is an actual NBA team and not one of the NHL's 47 teams) and immediately set out to show that he can still play as he challenged one of Charlotte's talent-challenged guards, Gerald Henderson, to a game of H-O-R-S-E. Henderson won after a shaky start, proving to Jordan that he should not attempt another comeback and that he needed to get better players than Gerald Henderson.
Well, there probably was a smattering anarchy throughout the country after Canada won Sunday's gold medal game in overtime. I mean, we all know about those crazy bastards in Prince Edward Island. You just know mayhem ruled the evening there. Luckily, here in America, the only incidents that occurred were a few emotional bruises after the Team USA bandwagon jackknifed just before the finish line. I count myself as one of those slightly injured as there's nothing like international competition in a watchable sport to get me on the bandwagon. After all, who doesn't enjoy a Friday afternoon in which it's socially acceptable to hate Finland (Note: It's always acceptable to hate France.)?
Former Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead continues his 2009 stinkbomb at the NFL combine.
With no pass rush and no defenses to read, Snead managed to bump up the value of his draft stock. According to a few reports I read, he displayed solid footwork and nice accuracy throwing the deep ball, which, if you follow Ole Miss, has to be a misprint. A Jevan Snead overthrow of a wide open receiver forty yards down the field was about as sure death, taxes, DeAundre Cranston fouling out of a basketball game and Lane Kiffin smiling at himself in the mirror repeatedly.
Dexter McCluster's speed unleashes shock and awe among NFL people.
While he fell just short of the 3.85 seconds I had in the pool (actually ran a 4.58), he did manage impress scouts and the like with his time in the 20-yard shuttle, which is usually an indicator of quickness. I also find these to be pretty good indicators of quickness, since real players are involved and not fluorescent cones:
Michael Jordan buys Bobcats, will remain casually involved.
He really did become a majority owner of the Bobcats (which is an actual NBA team and not one of the NHL's 47 teams) and immediately set out to show that he can still play as he challenged one of Charlotte's talent-challenged guards, Gerald Henderson, to a game of H-O-R-S-E. Henderson won after a shaky start, proving to Jordan that he should not attempt another comeback and that he needed to get better players than Gerald Henderson.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Five Stories to Follow for Your Weekend
In between being bored and completing a list of chores that you already know is headed your way, here are five stories to watch that could possibly give you more than five minutes of entertainment.
The United States men's hockey team looking for another shot at the 800-pound monster with a chainsaw as its unit; otherwise known as Team Canada.
We play Finland today at 2 CST and if we win we'll most likely play Canada in the gold medal game as the Canadians face Slovakia, a team they are expected to treat like Brad Wesley treated the people in his town pre-Dalton, later tonight. If we get by Finland, and I assume we are the favorites, I cannot stress the importance of beating Canada in the gold medal game. Yes, it would be awesome to see the United States beat Canada in a sport that is so much more important to so many more people to our north. Plus, the thought of the thousands of shots of Wayne Gretzky and his wife (an American) cheering on the Canadians makes me want to vomit. But most importantly, if Canada wins, that means that in some way Nickelback wins too. And that is completely unacceptable. So I strongly encourage everyone to get on the bandwagon and support the US team this weekend. You may not like hockey, but I know you hate Nickelback and that's something for which we can all cheer.
The Canadian women's hockey team has a throw down on the ice.
After beating the US women's team in the gold medal game, members of the Canadian team came back out onto the ice for a picture after all the spectators were out of the building. In addition to themselves, they brought booze and cigars and had themselves a small party on the ice. Nothing wrong with that until pictures of the event made it to the Internet, which gave people a chance to jump on their high horse and condemn such behavior, most notably the IOC, which will "investigate" the matter (whatever that means. I think we're all pretty clear on what happened. Canada wins. Goes onto ice with beer and cigars to celebrate. End of events.). I'm not sure what sort of punishment the IOC can hand out, but I have a feeling it won't be directed at themselves for having the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, where it's 50 degrees and doesn't snow this time of year.
The NFL combine starts its business tomorrow.
Players invited to the combine can expected to be poked with sticks, herded from room to room or station to station, stand semi-nude for long periods of time and take a test that allegedly determines if one is an idiot or not. Minus the test, it really is sort of like a cattle auction (although if cows had opposable thumbs, I'm sure they would have to take a test). And you can see it all on DirecTV! I'll be looking to see how fat Alabama's Terrance Cody is and if it's possible that Dexter McCluster can run the 40 in 3.85 seconds. I say marginally fat and yes he will.
The Olympics will end, but will the ceremony debacles continue for Vancouver?
The closing ceremonies will take place on Sunday and who isn't excited about the possibility that something else will go wrong? While I could not be more excited, I will not actually watch because those things are so painfully long and boring. Now, if great Canadians such as Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Will Arnett, Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morissette are involved, I'm potentially interested.
An assortment of college basketball games will take place.
I'm sure there's at least one you'll find worth watching. Enjoy your two days of freedom.
The United States men's hockey team looking for another shot at the 800-pound monster with a chainsaw as its unit; otherwise known as Team Canada.
We play Finland today at 2 CST and if we win we'll most likely play Canada in the gold medal game as the Canadians face Slovakia, a team they are expected to treat like Brad Wesley treated the people in his town pre-Dalton, later tonight. If we get by Finland, and I assume we are the favorites, I cannot stress the importance of beating Canada in the gold medal game. Yes, it would be awesome to see the United States beat Canada in a sport that is so much more important to so many more people to our north. Plus, the thought of the thousands of shots of Wayne Gretzky and his wife (an American) cheering on the Canadians makes me want to vomit. But most importantly, if Canada wins, that means that in some way Nickelback wins too. And that is completely unacceptable. So I strongly encourage everyone to get on the bandwagon and support the US team this weekend. You may not like hockey, but I know you hate Nickelback and that's something for which we can all cheer.
The Canadian women's hockey team has a throw down on the ice.
After beating the US women's team in the gold medal game, members of the Canadian team came back out onto the ice for a picture after all the spectators were out of the building. In addition to themselves, they brought booze and cigars and had themselves a small party on the ice. Nothing wrong with that until pictures of the event made it to the Internet, which gave people a chance to jump on their high horse and condemn such behavior, most notably the IOC, which will "investigate" the matter (whatever that means. I think we're all pretty clear on what happened. Canada wins. Goes onto ice with beer and cigars to celebrate. End of events.). I'm not sure what sort of punishment the IOC can hand out, but I have a feeling it won't be directed at themselves for having the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, where it's 50 degrees and doesn't snow this time of year.
The NFL combine starts its business tomorrow.
Players invited to the combine can expected to be poked with sticks, herded from room to room or station to station, stand semi-nude for long periods of time and take a test that allegedly determines if one is an idiot or not. Minus the test, it really is sort of like a cattle auction (although if cows had opposable thumbs, I'm sure they would have to take a test). And you can see it all on DirecTV! I'll be looking to see how fat Alabama's Terrance Cody is and if it's possible that Dexter McCluster can run the 40 in 3.85 seconds. I say marginally fat and yes he will.
The Olympics will end, but will the ceremony debacles continue for Vancouver?
The closing ceremonies will take place on Sunday and who isn't excited about the possibility that something else will go wrong? While I could not be more excited, I will not actually watch because those things are so painfully long and boring. Now, if great Canadians such as Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Will Arnett, Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morissette are involved, I'm potentially interested.
An assortment of college basketball games will take place.
I'm sure there's at least one you'll find worth watching. Enjoy your two days of freedom.
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