"Great day to be a Rutger Scarlets Knights.  We're gonna compete all day and night.  Maybe not even sleep this first year.  Haven't decided.  But, I do know one thing.  You spell "fun" W-I-N.  We're here to do some helpin' for these young men.  Gonna be the best days of their lives."

Probably in a bunker deep in the hills outside of Knoxville, preparing for his inevitable return as head football coach at Tennessee.  But, while wheels are turning, schemes are hatched, and plans carefully plotted, Tennessee is reaching back to the Fulmer years with the latest commitment it received.

Cornerback Deion Bonner (by the way, did you know that Deion Sanders calls his mother "Mama Prime?"  200 POINTS TO PRIMETIME) told Tennessee coaches on Monday that he would sign with the Vols next Wednesday.  Other than being an elite high school football player, Bonner is best known for a recruiting visit to Georgia last year where he stole $1,900 worth of iPods and iPhones from the Bulldogs' locker room.

Had Bonner stolen $1,900 worth of merchandise from South Carolina's locker room, or from Spurrier himself, Phil Fulmer would have personally delivered a duffel bag of cash to Bonner's dad/uncle/high school coach/preacher/deacon/elder/the person with the most sway because true Vols always take care of one another.

According to this (IF TWITTER CAN BE TRUSTED FOR ANYTHING), officials from Missouri are at the SEC offices in Birmingham today, undergoing a healthy dose of brainwashing that is cleverly disguised as orientation.  Texas A&M already received their new brain, which led me to write a much simpler orientation presentation.  And because I am lazy, and leap at any opportunity to recycle material, I think it's appropriate to pass those points along to Missouri.

(I've made a few changes since Missouri will be playing in the East, but kept the meat of the material the same.)

Congratulations, Missouri fans.  You are now part of the best conference in all of college football, and the latest member in what once was the toughest division in college football.  Though no one has been able to, in a non-bullshit fashion, explain why your addition helps the rest of the SEC without vague references to TV markets and KANSAS CITY IS HUGE, you are to be congratulated on getting richer and better without really doing a single thing.  That kind of planning and execution can only be conceived and brought to fruition in America.

Since you're new around here, I've taken the time to put together a few rules, stereotypes, and nonsensical hatred with which to familiarize yourself before beginning conference play in 2012.  These can get a little tricky given that there's no rhyme or reason to many of them, but just follow along as best you can and do what the American education system teaches everyone to do:  memorize everything, don't learn anything.

Despite 15 years of coaching experience on the offensive side of the ball, six years of assistant head coaching work under his belt, and one hell of a case laid out by me in December, Trooper Taylor was not named the new offensive coordinator at Auburn.  This is a sad day for the merit system and internal promotions, as well as fans of all schools not named Auburn.  Just the thought of Trooper calling plays next year is enough to keep one awake for the next 72 hours, with streaks of impromptu dancing mixed throughout those hours. 

I'm not sure what exactly Trooper has to do to get his shot at running the show on offense.  Bag and secure the services of 11 Cam Newtons on offense?  And defense?  It seems like a tall order for just one man, but I'd never count Trooper out.  Especially after another Alabama national title has raised the bar, which means the bank and bingo parlor money will be whipping in with the speed of a Trooper towel-wave.

Instead of Trooper, Gene Chizik plucked an offensive coordinator from the Steve Addazio coaching tree (yes, THE Steve Addazio) in Scot Loeffler.  After one year at Temple coordinating the offense, Loeffler will be charged with correcting an Auburn offense that could be be described as "police determined that the package was not explosive, destroyed it, and within 30 minutes allowed normal foot traffic to resume in the area."

First up for Loeffler will be the easy stuff.  Like learning the correct name of his new employer:

"We will give our heart and soul to University of Auburn."

"It’s not a right to be at the University of Auburn; it’s a privilege."

Once he's got that part down, he just has to get the stink off of Clint Moseley and/or Kiehl Frazier in less than eight months.  GODSPEED, GOOD SIR.

The thought of doing a second recruiting-related post in less than a week was nearly enough to get me to walk to my car and begin slamming the driver's side door on my head.  However, it's at least a two-minute walk to my car from where I currently sit, and given my current state of motivation, it might as well be in El Paso.

Plus, I don't like pain, particularly the self-inflicted kind (I accidentally scratched myself on the neck with a fingernail while drying off after showering this morning and thought I sliced open my jugular), and many of the people out there enjoy the recruiting talk.  So, in a dismissal of my core values, I will yield to the desires of the people and talk about recruiting rankings as they stand inside of two weeks until signing day.

(Note:  I omitted Texas A&M and Missourah because in my mind they're not in until they play a game.  Also, I don't have the energy.)

First, it was Mississippi State, way back after the 2007 season.  Ole Miss, led by Ed Orgeron, had blown a 14-0 lead with a little over 10 minutes remaining and lost to State 17-14, undone by Ed Orgeron's decision making and a Derrick Pegues punt return for a touchdown.  In celebrating their victory over a 3-9 (0-8) team months later, State bought billboard space throughout Mississippi so they could display this bit of craftsmanship:

In November 2008, Ole Miss returned fire after beating State 45-0 and ending the Sylvester Croom era.  While not a billboard and only seen inside Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, it was a direct response to the Mississippi State boards:

Things went silent for about a year until first-year coach Dan Mullen and his team upset Ole Miss in Starkville in 2009.  Mullen, if I recall correctly, yammered on about never losing to Ole Miss again and that this was "our state."  That statement spawned this:

Then came this, which is a great example of just how awful marketing departments can be when they don't consult a good advertising agency, located on Highway 78 as you leave Memphis (which is the way many people from Memphis go to Oxford):

Mainly due to Ole Miss being terrible at all sports, but especially football, the marketing and athletic departments in Oxford did not respond.  However, within the last month, Mississippi State made its boldest move yet and bought board space in Oxford so they could display their latest OH WE SO CLEVER:

And with that shot that was a little too close to home, Ole Miss roared to life in the billboard war.  Though there was nothing to celebrate on the field, unless you count Houston Nutt never coaching an Ole Miss team again, Ole Miss tapped into its more successful football alumni, representing their respective teams in the NFL's Pro Bowl:

While not full of little brother AIDS, it was a response to the wave of Mississippi State boards.  Then, as both sides dug in and went to work on the next round of #SHOTSFIRED, Southern Miss decided it wanted in on the action:

And so, while the rest of the college football world has yet another laugh at the expense of the state of Mississippi, the pissing contest that makes Lamar Advertising very, very happy jumps up a notch. 

The rational side of me wants Ole Miss to get out of this billboard business as soon as possible, as all efforts and cash monies EVERY SINGLE YEAR should be devoted to building the program to beat LSU, Alabama, and Auburn (when they pay enough good players to be there).  If Ole Miss builds itself to beat those teams, everything else will fall into place.

But, the side of me that enjoys people acting like idiots and placing importance on all of the minor details really wants to see this thing escalate.  Like escalating to the point where if one school collects more cans of food for homeless shelters, we get a billboard ("We sure CAN do it at Mississippi State").  Basically, I want enough billboards that Lamar Advertising eventually makes Apple look poor.

A third hope, which is probably my favorite so we can just move on, is that Alabama and LSU buy all of Lamar's boards in Mississippi and rent the boards to State and Ole Miss.  That way, we can just give them money directly and speed up the process of becoming completely irrelevant in the SEC West.

Wikipedia is down for the day, which means that right now in the entire world there is no way to check facts.  Sure you can go to the library and spend 20 minutes trying to find the references section (never did learn that decimal system did you?), but even when you do find the encyclopedias, you'll be looking through information published in 1997, as the government declared that would be the last year encyclopedias could be printed.

I've decided to take advantage of the remaining hours of utter chaos (have the riots started yet?) and compile a list of facts that cannot be proven as anything other than fact until the guardian of the truth, Wikipedia, returns from the darkness.  Good luck trying to find information that says Houston Nutt did not always have ants in his pants, because he TOTALLY did.

• Jordan Jefferson is the most beloved of all of LSU's quarterbacks, past and present
• Dan Mullen has won three consecutive championships
• Mike Shula was one of the SEC's most creative offensive minds
• Les Miles owns and operates an exotic animal zoo in the Lake Charles area
• Urban Meyer has no family
• Steve Spurrier and Phil Fulmer are in the same World of Warcraft group
• Ron Zook uses AOL Instant Messenger as his primary form of communication (ZookerPOWERCLEAN)
• Trooper Taylor had his backwards hat surgically sewn to his head
• Ted Roof was once electrocuted while climbing out of his tree house
• Most people credit Nick Saban's success at LSU and Alabama to the talent left by Gerry DiNardo and Mike Shula, respectively
• Houston Nutt was once a barker for the bearded alligator woman
• Bobby Petrino has an outstanding warrant for his arrest in Kenya for poaching silverback gorillas
• Les Miles also owns a medium-sized fanboat dealership in Lafourche Parish
• Ed Orgeron's uncle manages the fanboat dealership
• Gene Chizik owns a leather jacket with "The Chiz" written on the back
• At the end of the 2011 season, Will Muschamp owed his wife's swear jar $3.8 trillion
• Derek Dooley is currently taking online courses through the University of Phoenix in pursuit of a hospitality management degree
• Dan Mullen is Jackie Wayne Sherrill's son
• Mark Richt's hobby is improv
• When he coached high school girls basketball, Hugh Freeze arranged for a wealthy Memphis family to adopt Tomika Catchings so she could play on his team
• Joker Phillips actually hates jokes
• James Franklin once burned down his neighbor's house after an argument over an easement
• Dana Holgorsen was interested in the Ole Miss job until he was told that under no circumstances could he drive his IROC-Z around Oxford
• Sylvester Croom invented transition lenses
• Mike Price had fewer losses as Alabama's head coach than Nick Saban (INDISPUTABLE FACT)

Tomorrow marks exactly two weeks until National Signing Day, the only day of the year in which we allow 17 and 18-year olds to hold this country hostage.  As I've mentioned before, I like exactly nothing about recruiting and do my best to not get caught up in the emotional roller coaster that accompanies high school seniors.

However, I'm fully aware of the importance of recruiting well.  Without it, you end up with a 5-19 overall record, a 1-15 conference record in two seasons, and a third head coach in seven years, which, as you probably can't imagine since your school is not a cat-herding operation, is NOT GOOD TIMES.

In the interest of staying somewhat informed concerning recruiting and such, I submit a proposal that would help suck restrained followers of recruiting like me back into discussions of the values and destinations of high school football players.  Instead of stars, which are handed out on a one to five scale, with five being the most, to players so that their value might be kind-of-but-we'll-really-know-in-two-to-three-years be determined, I want to see players given Cameron Poe Roundhouse Kicks To The Face:

Not literal roundhouse kicks to the face, though some of them probably deserve it (hey there, Gunner Kiel, what's up, buddy? (BOOT IN THE FACE)), but this picture of Cameron Poe teaching the hired muscle of a Mexican drug lord that it is in everyone's best interest to get out of the way while he's looking for a syringe so that his diabetic prison friend can get his insulin before he goes into shock.

That's way more awesome than boring yellow stars next to someone's name.  And everyone would get to describe so and so as a "five Cameron Poe Roundhouse Kicks To The Face defensive lineman."  Now THAT'S a player I want on my team.

So, someone in charge of all of this, makes this happen and I'll come back, ready to inhale all of the stories about secret commitments and six-hour meetings with grandmothers that "could not have gone better.  Sources tell me, he's ours!"

Justin Taylor, a high school running back from Atlanta and an Alabama commitment since February of last year, was recently informed by the Alabama coaching staff that there will most likely not be any room for him in the 2012 Alabama signing class.  Something like this is pretty common when coaching staffs are trying to "make the numbers work," which can be translated as "we are thrilled you want to come here, but we may have found 25 guys better than you."

In the old days, which were about two years ago, Taylor would have his scholarship, along with 28-35 other recruits.  But, thanks to the NCAA/SEC addressing a minor problem and ignoring real problems, while scoring a PR point with media types, the days of signing everyone are over.  As a result, Taylor is out of a scholarship for this year, unless one of the 25 players in front of him chooses to go to another school (THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!11!!1  RTR!!1111!!  218 COMBINED NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS IN FOOTBALL AND FOOTBALL RECRUITING!!!!)

What's interesting about Taylor's case is that Nick Saban has promised him a spot in the 2013 class through the binding power of a sheet of paper that will have absolutely no loopholes or escape clauses no sir not a chance we would never do that.  According to Taylor:

"Coach Saban is going to sign his name on a sheet of paper saying that I still have my scholarship.  It was just for me.  It’s to say they really still want me.”

How sweet.  Just for him and they want him.  In 2013, when Alabama finds 25 players they consider better than Taylor, who at that point will have been out of football for two years (missed his senior year with a knee injury), I expect his waving of the piece of paper will go something like this, with Taylor playing the part of Lionel Hutz:

Judge: The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff.

[Hutz hands him something]

Judge: This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says guilty. And guilty is spelled wrong.

Hutz: Eep.

I'm stuck on you, whoa oh whoa oh
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue
Whoa oh whoa oh, Stuck like glue
You and me baby we're stuck like glue

No, this is not part of a congratulatory note from Mississippi State athletic director Scott Stricklin to Dan Mullen, but rather actual lyrics from a song by Sugarland.  The very same Sugarland that's scheduled to play a show immediately following State's spring football game.