When National Signing Day comes to a close tomorrow, some schools will celebrate yet another successful recruiting class (Alabama will celebrate, then print t-shirts claiming another recruiting national championship), some will be moderately pleased with their signees, and some will be very disappointed in their class. One group that will celebrate all day and into the night are those who make and sell fax machines, the piece of technology that is critical to signing day.
Unbelievably, fax machines still have a place in society. I say that not because they are horrible, though some of them are, but because something way more efficient and cooler should have replaced them like five years ago. Something like electronic signatures and such. Or maybe "The Cloud" and whatever it does. I don't know. I AM NOT A SCIENTIST. Point is, fax machines should have joined VCRs at the back of the line by now, and no one will explain what the hold up is.
Anyway, getting back to wherever this was going, on signing day, coaching staffs at all schools sit in a room with a fax machine and wait for the signed letters of intent to come pouring in from their commitments. Coaches obsess over the amount of toner available, the availability of a backup fax machine in case the primary one begins to act like the one in Office Space, and is the machine even plugged in.
Based on the type of fax machine a schools uses, you can tell how successful their class is going to be. For example, Alabama, LSU, Florida, and Georgia all use this one:
It's got all the bells and whistles needed for optimal fax machine performance. In fact, the Alabama version of this machine allows recruits to fax themselves to the football offices in Tuscaloosa to be given the keys, employment forms, and bags and such things they were promised during recruitment.
Auburn and South Carolina use this model:
It's small, light, and easy to move, which is perfect for Steve Spurrier, as it won't take up too much room in the golf cart, and the Auburn coaches, as it allows them to quickly relocate should an NCAA investigator arrive.
Arkansas prefers a technology more familiar to the residents of its state:
Ole Miss selected a fax machine that is cost efficient and was found in the basement of Hume Hall during the spring cleaning of 1987:
Mississippi State, wanting to stay one step ahead of Ole Miss, but fiscally responsible, uses this version:
While only able to perform the same functions as Ole Miss', this one is in color and thus FAX MACHINE CHAMPIONSHIP.
And finally, Vanderbilt, who doesn't have an athletic department, but is surrounded by hipsters in the West End, uses this model acquired by said hipsters:
No one knows if it actually works, but, man, you know, it's just so classically cool. Look at it! Might need to get one for the front porch or the living room where most people put their TV. You know you can watch all the good shows online now, right? Cable is for suckers.