For the past few days, I've been out of touch with every non-human form of information provider, going three days without my regular doses of television, Twitter, and website rotation. But I didn't do it because I needed to "get away from it all" or some clichéd reason that makes you want to karate chop the throats of the people who actually say that.
I could never do it on my own because I love all of those things unconditionally and care not for being a part of the uninformed masses. Also, I don't have a home on a private island in an exotic location because if I did I would totally do it and you would never hear from me ever.
Unfortunately, we had a death in my family, so I spent the last few days being around family, listening to and telling stories, and eating more chicken than should legally be allowed. While it was a sad time, we all enjoyed the company of family and friends, and got to hear a pretty awesome story from a guy who owns a liquor store and, after two robberies, tells his late shift crew to keep a loaded .357 Magnum on the counter for all patrons to see (obligatory: LIKE A BOSS).
And I'm thankful that my full attention wasn't available when Ole Miss announced it was renewing the football series with Memphis, or else I might be wandering the streets naked, mad with rage, and plotting to rob a liquor store that is protected by employees with a .357 Magnum.
Since returning to the world of the informed yesterday, I learned a few things:
- The Ole Miss/Texas game won't start until 8:15, which means that a large portion of those in the Grove won't be able to find the stadium without proper guidance, and the record for average BAC of a crowd will be shattered (note: previous record held by Ole Miss fans after an 8 PM kickoff in 2006 against Georgia; fans of a 1-4 team in year two of the Ed Orgeron era only need two or three hours to get ready, not 10)
- Dan Mullen is not afraid of food courts and Sbarro; I know people are enjoying this, but if there's no Chick-fil-A, I say that's not a bad choice, but the real crime is that I see no plate for buttery delicious breadsticks
- Glen Waddle, Ole Miss PA announcer and gasbag extraordinaire, picked Ole Miss to win the SEC this season in the annual media preseason poll at SEC Media Days; if Glen Waddle can get credentialed, then the application for credentials consists of a single question that asks, "Are you currently looking at this piece of paper?"
- Steve Spurrier said that if he was in charge of the schedule, South Carolina would get to play Ole Miss instead of LSU; if Ole Miss had to play everyone that wants to play us, our schedule would be 123 games long
- Hugh Freeze took offense at Spurrier's comment, then remembered his offensive line depth chart, said a prayer for his quarterbacks, and sobbed out the words "Win the Day"
- Ole Miss elected to renew the football series with Memphis, citing cheap travel costs, old people who LOVE staying at the Peabody, and a desire to become the first D-I football program that is both a football program and a charity
- John L. Smith talked 1,000% more about hot piss than anyone expected him too; and he didn't mention it, but it would be great if Arkansas could start making those paychecks out to "Cash"
- Nick Saban spoke in favor of a nine-game schedule, which is nothing new from him, but this was the first time he mentioned the nine-game schedule as a way for Ole Miss to extend its SEC losing streak by nine games a season
- Mark Richt lost control of everything
- Les Miles missed a chance for comedic gold by not bringing Jordan Jefferson to Hoover this year