As the march through the least interesting time of year continues, we've stumbled into a bit of a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that we're almost through June. The bad news is that we're still in June, leaving us in a situation best explained by Homer Simpson:
So, we've got some time to kill before college football that doesn't involve old people meeting in hotel conference rooms across the country comes back into our lives. Since I am known as a helpful and informative person (probably not true), I am gonna take the next however many weeks and offer you thorough reviews of each SEC stadium. And by thorough review, I mean I'll be using my exceptional bias, Google reviews, and lots of colored lines hand drawn on Google maps.
My qualifications for such an endeavor are that I've been to all the SEC stadiums but Missourah's, usually to witness a skulldragging of Ole Miss, and I can look up stuff on Google Maps pretty quickly. I suggest that you file these informative reports away for your road trip destinations this season so you won't end up like that pair of Oklahoma State fans I saw walking around a couple of miles away from the old Cotton Bowl, waiting to be murdered.
First up, ROLL TAHD.
To keep you from becoming disoriented, you need to know where things are in relation to the stadium. Once you master the lay of the land, you can maximize your time engaging in various pregame activities and, most importantly, avoid asking the sidewalk alumni where something is because this is their first time in Tuscaloosa as well.
Here's a helpful guide I created, which should help you move seamlessly around the stadium.
(right-click for seeability)
That pretty much lets you know where all the necessities are. Tailgating, booze, guy with the giant Bear Bryant tattoo on his back, and a three-or-four-drinks-deep Snake Stabler, who I saw before an Ole Miss game there, complete with a head nod and an "Alright" as we passed one another in that parking lot. If I had a few thousand extra dollars sitting around, I'd commission an artist to do a rendering of that meeting and prominently display it in my home.
Once you finish your pregame festivities and make your way into the stadium, it's important to know where to look for things. After all, you are in the holy presence of Bear Bryant, and you will be reminded of such, and he seemed like a man who didn't tolerate being unprepared. If you show up without a clue, and his ghost shows up (WHICH IT MIGHT ROLL TAHD THE BEAR LIVES), he's gonna make you run stadium steps until you vomit one of your kidneys up.
With that in mind, here's an in-stadium guide to help you avoid puking up a kidney.
(right-click for seeability)
But enough of my bias. What about the people? The razor-thin segment of the population who are Alabama fans, can work the internets, and take the time to write a Google review. What do they have to say?
So there you have it. A trip to Bryant-Denny is more enjoyable than that wall in China, 101000 awesome people to hang out with, and RTR. RTR SO HARD, Y'ALL.