TEXAS PETE POWER POLL HEAT INDEX CHILI PEPPERS
Ranking those who carried on while others around them were crushed by failure and/or incompetence.
1. Johnny Manziel
While kicking the corpse of Arkansas football, Manziel ran and threw his way to 557 yards of total offense, which is now the SEC record. He broke Archie Manning's record of 540, giving Ole Miss fans one fewer thing to bring up when the discussion turns to wins and losses.
2. Kevin Sumlin
SEC win number one is now in the books and if he can get the talent around Manziel at a high level, he may have the power to pull a Holgorsen and put 70 on one of the lesser conference opponents (GULP).
3. Gary Pinkel
Yes, he only beat Central Florida, but that's way better than saying he didn't beat Central Florida.
4. Keith Marshall
10 carries for 164 yards and 2 TDs and WASN'T arrested Saturday night after the game. Could this be a new era of Georgia football?
5. Todd Gurley
24 carries for 124 yards and 3 TDS and ditto. The success of these two is really hurting the chances of Puppy ever seeing the field.
6. Marcus Lattimore
23 carries for 120 yards and 2 TDs. I'd have to check, and I won't, but this feels like his stat line after 90% of his games.
7. Hugh Freeze
Got his team to be competitive with Alabama for four quarters, but most importantly, kept his players from being physically maimed, as was expected.
8. Connor Shaw
In three conference games, Shaw has thrown eight total incompletions. Tyler Bray likes to call that "the opening drive."
9. Zach Mettenberger
Someone must have finally told him that unless you're really awesome, you can't get away with the ironic mustache. Yesterday, Mettenberger was seen clean-shaven and 25% less hateable by LSU fans.
10. Alabama fans who made an emergency landing, still made kickoff
They lived, but next time, stop being poor and go with the Ole Miss fan's plane of choice, the learjet.
JEFFERSON PILOT POWER POLL OF FAILURE
Ranking those who collapsed under the weight of their incompetence and/or lack of skill
1. Arkansas football
If Bobby Petrino coaches in the SEC next year and beats Arkansas, besmirching Houston Nutt on every page of the Internet will no longer be the object of all Arkansas fans free time.
2. Tyler Bray
Tennessee got the ball three straight times in the fourth quarter while down just seven points. And three straight times, Bray turned it over. The last one is somewhat excusable, as they were in super desperation mode, but when Derek Dooley is eventually placed in a mental health facility, Bray's name will be scrawled all over the walls.
3. Ole Miss in the second quarter
Gave up a kickoff return for a touchdown, false start, interception, holding, interception, interception, punt.
4. The plane that gave out on those Alabama fans
"PAAAAWWWWLLLL, not a national championship-caliber plane. Worried about its commitment to the program."
5. Bo Wallace
STOP MAKING TERRIBLE DECISIONS THAT CAUSE MY PHYSICAL COMFORT TO DISAPPEAR.
6. Randall Mackey
7. Hugh Freeze
NO MORE RANDALL MACKEY PASSES.
8. Joker Phillips
A chance to go up 24-7 on a lifeless South Carolina team and lets time runs out. Just like it's doing on the Joker Phillips era.
9. Les Miles
Five games into the season and he hasn't attempted one fourth down play? This thoroughly disgusts me.
10. Nick Saban
"PAAAAWWWWLLLL, what are them boys doin' during the week? It sure don't look like they're gettin' ready for Saturday. Beatin' Ole Miss by 19? This team needs some leadership and it starts at the top."