TEXAS PETE POWER POLL HEAT INDEX CHILI PEPPERS
Ranking those who carried on while others around them were crushed by failure and/or incompetence.
1. Hugh Freeze
The Rebels may still be in the desert, but it looks like they're at least not directionless, as Freeze successfully guided them to an oasis provided by Auburn, the first sign of life they'd seen in 2 years.
2. Johnny Manziel
At some point, Manziel's record for total offense is going to reach 100M sprint territory in that eventually it will be physically impossible to cross a certain bar, unless Texas A&M is playing a SWAC-ish school and Kevin Sumlin wants to see if Manziel can crack 1,000 yards.
3. John L. Smith
He's won two straight conference games, albeit against the worst two teams, which means it's just a matter of time before he burns down the house again.
4. Bo Wallace
He finishes a game without a crippling turnover, mostly due to Hugh Freeze putting the offense in park, applying the emergency break, and adding boots to both front tires.
5. Jeff Driskel
IS DRISKEL GOING TO BE BETTER THAN TEBOW?
Through 6 games in sophomore years:
Tebow - 1,455 passing yards, 12 TDs; 500 rushing yards, 9 TDs
Driskel - 836 passing yards, 4 TDs; 326 rushing yards, 4 TDs
So, please, EVERYONE CALM DOWN.
6. Les Miles
The person most excited about his appearance here is Zach Mettenberger, who gets to spend another week without LSU fans applying 100% of their rage towards him.
7. Tyler Russell
Served notice that if you are a bad defense, he will do an excellent job of reminding everyone that you are not very good at defending the pass.
8. Dan Mullen
My favorite for Sun Belt Coach of the Year (ALL THE SUN BELT JOKES, SERIOUSLY, PRETTY SURE I'M OUT)
9. Alabama's running backs
Eddie Lacy and T.J. Yeldon combined for 321 yards and 5 touchdowns, and did so playing a safe kind of football that will prevent injuries.
10. Tyler Wilson
Needed just over two quarters to throw for 372 yards and 5 touchdowns against what Kentucky claims is a defensive unit.
JEFFERSON PILOT POWER POLL OF FAILURE
Ranking those who collapsed under the weight of their incompetence and/or lack of skill
1. Joker Phillips
At least Rich Brooks will have someone else available to play golf with him, go on one of his many fishing adventures, or come over to the house and grill fish.
2. Gene Chizik
If Chizik is smart, he'll keep all of his dentist wear, move to Miami, and be one of those people who are "dentists" out of the trunk of their car in some back alley.
3. SEC Schedulers
We need an emergency break in the schedule so that Kentucky* or Auburn fans** can rightfully say, "I TOLD you we were the worst."
*May not exist
4. Derek Dooley
If only toughness points counted here, he would be awarded for walking around on a broken hip for a few months. Alas, they do not. But, he is awarded points for his team dedicating themselves to making the same dumb mistakes in every game.
5. Gary Pinkel
He mentioned on Monday that James Franklin might be done for the year, so, yikes. Good luck with all that. Only four* more conference games to go.
*Just trying to make Kentucky feel better
6. Connor Shaw
Granted he didn't get much help from the running game, but if he had played a better second half (minus the last touchdown drive), South Carolina would have the opportunity to lose a different big game in soul-crushing fashion.
7. Steve Spurrier
Convicted himself with "I'm calling terrible plays."
8. Trooper Taylor
I wasn't there, so I couldn't get the full effect, but I didn't see any vigorous towel-waving while watching on TV. You really have to question his ALL IN status.
9. Clint Moseley
He and Kiehl Frazier can now have lengthy discussion on whose turnovers were the most devastating.
10. Nick Saban
"PAAAAWWWWLLLL, THEM MISSOURAH BOYS DIDN'T JOIN US IN THE WAR AND WE ONLY SCORED 42 ON THEM? NOT SURE THIS TEAM KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A STATEMENT."