South Carolina 17, Vanderbilt 13
If South Carolina's offensive line doesn't figure out how to pass block, Connor Shaw will soon find his name on the endangered species list, right below a tree frog that only lives in a 10 square mile area in Ecuador. Vanderbilt only needed to rush four to get pressure on Shaw, which made playing defense relatively easy when South Carolina threw.
Unfortunately for Vanderbilt, the Gamecock offensive line could run block and Shaw displayed some strong running-for-his life and playing through pain skills. Also unfortunately for Vanderbilt, their offensive talent is still not good enough to be effective against better than average defenses. Take away the 78-yard touchdown on a TERRIBLE play by the South Carolina safety and Vandy finishes with 198 yards of offense.
And as for the return of Marcus Lattimore, he had some tough runs and showed flashes of what made him such a great back the past two years, but he looked a little slow. Maybe he'll look more like the old Lattimore as he gets back into playing, but South Carolina needs to find a reliable second running back.
Tennessee 35, NC State 21
If Tyler Bray were in charge of laser-guided missiles, he would put two out of three right through the peephole of the front door of a building that needed to be destroyed. As for the one that doesn't hit the target, it would take out a turtle colony five countries away.
As devastating as Tennessee's passing game was at times, the running game looked, apart from the 67-yard TD run by Cordarrelle Patterson, pretty much like last year's Enrique Davis special. If Tennessee can piece together an average running game and Bray doesn't kill them with turnovers, their offense has a chance to light some people up. And if that's the case, their defense can maintain is average status and Derek Dooley could enjoy some more time in Knoxville, if enjoying time there is actually possible.
Georgia 45, Buffalo 23
After giving up 199 yards rushing to Buffalo, how many small woodland animals did Todd Grantham murder?
Florida 27, Bowling Green 13
Really looking forward to the first game Jeff Driskel has to throw a lot. The angst, wailing, and gnashing of teeth spewing forth from Florida fans will be as thick as early morning August humidity in Gainesville.
Clemson 26, Auburn 19
So far, the only difference between a Ted Roof defense and a Brian VanGorder defense is that Roof's defense gives up points after giving up a quarter of a million yards. VanGorder's defense, despite giving up 528 yards, managed to keep Clemson from putting up points Auburn's offense had no chance to match. This was mostly accomplished because Dabo Swinney and Clemson are a thing.
As expected, Kiehl Frazier (PARENTS, IT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS TO LOOK UP HOW HIS NAME IS SPELLED EVERY TIME I HAVE TO TYPE IT) had accuracy issues (11-27), but showed his athleticism when the pocket broke down. If Auburn can't develop a consistent running game, Gene Chizik press conferences will get more fun than they were when he was yelling "GARBAGE!" while being asked questions about Cam Newton.
Arkansas 49, Jacksonville State 24
Lots of cold piss until Arkansas hit a gear Jacksonville State does not have in the second quarter and again in the third quarter.
LSU 41, North Texas 14
A sad day in Baton Rouge, as the tradition of booing Jordan Jefferson in the home season-opener came to an end.
Missouri 62, SE Louisiana 10
Good to see the Tigers taking part in the SEC tradition of scheduling crap in the first week of the season.
Ole Miss 49, Central Arkansas 27
Ole Miss is going to need some help from its opponents to win four or five games, but fans got what they wanted out of the first game. We looked organized, had an offensive philosophy, MADE HALFTIME ADJUSTMENTS, played hard and didn't quit, and finally looked like there wasn't a dumpster fire on the sideline.
I really can't stress the didn't quit part, especially after the shit show of the last two years. Going into half down 20-14, I think every Ole Miss fan assumed we were about to watch a second half where everyone rolled over and died. Instead, they came out and scored 35 unanswered points and looked exceptionally competent in doing so. I know I'm praising basic stuff here, but you, non-Ole Miss people, did not live through the Houston Nutt era.
Mississippi State 56, Jackson State 9
Alabama 41, Michigan 14
My dislike for Alabama knows no bounds, but I find that I get a disturbing amount of joy from watching Michigan get their MICHIGAN MEN enlightened brains kicked out of the back of their skulls. If Nick Saban had kept his tiny foot on the gas, the final score would have looked something like 56-7, and they'd still be scraping bodies off the turf.
I enjoy that Brady Hoke does not wear a headset. He's basically telling his assistant coaches, "No, I don't want to hear how having the best athlete on the team only throw drop-back passes and not attempt to use his natural running ability is a bad idea. A MICHIGAN MAN runs an offense that is honest and becoming of a MICHIGAN MAN."
One side note, if a MICHIGAN MAN were in charge of planning a military assault, he'd line everyone up like they did in the Revolutionary War, march the troops into an open field, and have each soldier fire one shot every 20 seconds.
Louisville 32, Kentucky 14
"Kentucky football, the same as before that time we beat Tennessee with a wide receiver playing quarterback! Remember when we did that!"
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
The Alabama offensive line, which crushed the noble sirs of the Michigan defense.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Kiehl Frazier, QB, Auburn
11-27, 194 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss
This may be his only appearance here all year, so all the hat tips, #winthedays, and retweets to him for momentarily making us enjoy watching an Ole Miss team again.
2012 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season
1. Kiehl Frazier 1
1. Bo Wallace 1
1. Zach Mettenberger 1
1. Connor Shaw 1
1. Jordan Rodgers 1
Double Your Paycheck Picks
Week: 3-5 (.375)
Season: 3-5 (.375)
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Auburn at Mississippi State
Will Dan Mullen finally beat an SEC West team not named Ole Miss? Will Gene Chizik wear his lucky leather jacket? Will Mississippi State run out on the field without causing a pile of humanity?
Florida at Texas A&M?
Will billboard shenanigans cause Florida to erupt in offensive competency? Will Texas A&M's Johnny Manziel try to fight Florida players without his jersey on? Will people who keep ranking Florida in the Top 25 be justifiably beaten without mercy?
Georgia at Missouri
Will Georgia play "old man football", which involves taking naps for extended period of time? Will Missouri do dumb things so we can start making more jokes about them (other than the standard meth and red wine ones)? How will Mike Bobo wreck this game for Georgia?